Todo se suma de varias formas, y de varias formas interesantes se siente… Un gusto, sentir ausencia, partes de mi, y mirar dentro… sentir… sentir mi mundo, y delante.
Luz, Sol y Carne… Delirio y Piel… Fuego en pedazos…
Ausencia de un mundo imaginario. Nadie sabe, nadie escribe, nadie canta, llora o grita… pero repiten… todos repiten…. radio, TV, y la pancarta roja en la ventana de guagua.
Lavados de churre y lodo, lavados de ellos mismos repiten el eco nocturno, acantilados ajenos. Y se lavan, se bañan, se arrancan de su piel originalidad y valor; y en disfraces de nadie, de alguien sin nombre ni sonido, de murales en barrios chinos, salen a cantar en grupo canciones de enemigos, sus propios anti-ellos.. sin saberlo, sin saberlo.
Mujeres y feminismo. Politicos y derechos humanos. Libertad de prensa, expresión y doscientas causas en conflicto. Hilando banderas de ejércitos en guerra, representan varios lados, el holocausto, la ofensiva y los agredidos.
Bajo canciones de justicia, derechos y libertad, plantan sus botas sobre oprimidos, sobre inocentes y observadores, sobre quien sea toque la puerta, diga hola, en el horizonte de sus agendas, traumas y deseos de “justicia”… Cristianos, católicos de este siglo, con banderas multicolores, con nombre de feminismo… Hay veces en gritos de libertad, hay veces en solo gritos.
Ejercito de miedos es lo que le llamo, moviendo el mundo bajo pancartas de dudas, del “que puede pasar?” y “piensen en los niños”.
Al final es la misma letra en diferentes himnos. La misma letra de miedo, y predecible como siempre, la diferencia de ritmo.
Robo, se roban a ellos su identidad y a otros algo mas… ladrones de ellos mismos.
Well, another day spent doing nothing. To be fair, not exactly. Nighttime was nothing, but during the day I finished a couple of rolls and shot a little bit of digital. I am enjoying a lot more film these days, besides I started to shot wide again, haven’t done those in a while, 50mm is just boring.
Setting that aside, the weather got crappy, a little bit of rain. I do like the 60s temperatures, haven’t had those in a while, it feels good. Reminds me of the bay area, now I need to find hills, hippies and thrift stores 😀
But overall didn’t do much, and I don’t like it. It makes me go back to base, sort of speak. Good thing I have a couple more of rolls to develop and finished a new photo. Anyways, I am feeling bored right now.. bored and sleepy.
You know that is something that I want to start doing, sleep more… Low on energy doesn’t work. Anyways… bye for now.. I am really not feeling it anyways, or rather feeling anger for not doing more, and tiredness. Both at the same time, and anger also because instead of sleeping, I’ll be going to go to bed late and consequently wake up tomorrow tired, and didn’t get anything in return.
So it is free low energy day… Grrrr… well, I think I am going to make a big list of things I am forbidden to do, hang it on the wall and paint some kind of evil character next to each item just to remind me.
Good night for now.
Well, it have been a week of ramblings, and today it has been a peaceful day. A day empty of of distractions and full of time just to do nothing. Sometimes I feel it is important just to go out and do nothing, enjoy everything, whatever comes, just time to be.
On other news I have discovered this can’t really be a diary since a diary is supposed to keep everything in it. This pieces in reality hold truths about me but excluding anything that may affect others, so there is an untold portion of it. Also, project and stuff that I would prefer to keep on secrecy, the way new born ideas should be kept, are excluded too.
So at the end it is a mix of things I am happy to have started. The fact that it feels scary at times it means that i am digging really interesting stuff, so for now I’ll keep it that way.
I guess that after a day of nothing, things are going to resume. There is a writers fair going on that I want to attend, and also some interesting mixes of photo and paintings that I want to work on, so I’ll be busy for tomorrow and I don’t know the rest of the week.
The change of time sucks… This early night sucks a lot. I don’t have time to shoot after work, so I have to somehow figure it out. It was a lot worse in Chicago, but at least over there I had a lot of time on my hands.
Homeless, just a question.. is it so bad? The idea have been flying around my head for a while. I have been homeless before, but it wasn’t really homeless. I had a place to crash in case of emergency, and plenty of cash, so that doesn’t really counts. Anyways, I remember it still wasn’t pleasant, I had to deprive myself of a lot of things that I enjoy, so no… Idea discarded, end of the story. It probably was the seduction of free time the reason why it got into my head in the first place, even tho I can’t deny it makes for a new experience. Anyways, as I said, idea discarted for now, I have a couple of stuff that I really want to finish first.
Good night for now…. Thanks for reading.
I starting to like this diary. It is more like a book of wishes. You complaint about something, and in a few days, it gets done. Photography Im doing a lot more, paintings and writings too. Yesterday I complained about chicks, I’ve got two for the day. Only one was a total confused lesbian and the other a total shy nutcase, goes figure.
I used to jokingly think of life as a comedy. I am starting to no longer think it but to truly believe it. You ask for something and you’ll get it, only with such twists that you have to laugh – really laugh.
Anyways, I am done for today… It’s late and I am tired – really tired – It also has been hilarious LOL
Chicks are killing me, or better said the lack of them. One way or another I want companionship in my life. Enough of being lonely, I need to go out more and mess around a lot more, to somehow break out of the current state of inaction and missed chances.
I would love to blame them of them and society. While there is such a thing called preferences and tastes, there is also something called the beauty is on the eyes of the beholder, and many times I run too quick to judge a book by it’s cover, or run too quick, period. Then the ones than come and go are the crazy ones, so it never works out at the end. Where does the balance lay?
Anyways, it comes down to the very same thing, and I see it as a recurring theme in most of the writings: the need to expand. It comes to mind regarding photos, paintings, writings, and also regarding to my personal life, both friends and lovers. In general it is an attitude of adventure, exploration what I truly need.
I am at a point where I either grow or shrink, there is no such thing as laying inert drifting from day to day. The lack of expansion is what I am missing. It is pretty much the underlaying cause affecting my life.
One good thing is writing this diary. It feels scary putting a lot of truth out there, speaking sometimes secrets. Tha is good, that it feels a little scary, that is the way life should feel, it means I am exploring something new. But regardless, for love in general, for what I am doing, for people I meet, it has to feel the same way, the sensacion of unexplored territory.
I predicted at the beginning this could turnout a little repetitive. Some times growing balls take a minute, sometimes I have to incubate them. Some fears are really small, some other are huge. Society is toxic in many ways, at least the environment where I was during much of my early life was. I found that in dealing with much of my own barriers, I am dealing with early social conditioning and wonder why is it that we seem unable to really give freedom and acceptence.
Anyways, I am done for today. Got a kallitype printing kit and photo emulsion gel I want to play with.
Thanks for tolerating the awful grammar – it’s supposed to be unedited anyways – 😛
Sometimes I also feel that something important is about to happen but it hasn’t happened yet, like there is something awaiting to be found, to be discovered. It is half good, half bad. An overwhelming feeling of disatisfaction mixed with urges to explore, a thirst. That is the good part, the irresistible urge find whatever it is that is awaiting to be found.
On those days I find myself looking for that something everywhere, with everybody. Talking to homeless, strangers, walking back alleys, spontaneously running, doing whatever comes to mind, following any impulse. It is the only way to relief the sensation that something hasn’t happened yet. Interestingly enough, a life changing experience originated on one of those days, only the feeling didn’t go away. At the end I have come to like it regardless of the outcome, it seems to set my day in really interesting fashion.
Some other days it happens less pronounced, and to a certain extend differently. I feel loss, I see the stuff happening every second but they scape my grasp. Like life is supposed to be lived a lot more intense than what I am living.
I think those are the moments I am missing, going to the very limit, the intensity of new grounds. Even if I have a lot of stuff on my plate, it feels like known territory. Maybe what I truly want is exploration, risk, adventure.
It is weird. I remember the times when I didn’t do much. On those days nothing like this would cross my mind. Then suddenly decided to be serious about art, from there one thing lead to another and turned out into a giant roller-coaster, so much that three years have felt as if they were ten. Now I am on the ground and can’t stand it, want to be up on the air again.
I don’t know, but “normal” life is not for me. Life is found on the extremes, the middle ground is just dull. It pains me too, because the extremes are full of solitude. It is hard to find people sharing the same hunger and willing to follow it, or maybe I’ll find them once I am on the way; or maybe both. But I think the closest I am to my true self, the less things I have in common with people, the less friends I have, and of course the more valuable they become. They are true companions.
PD: I am finding myself avoiding some topics just because this is a “public” diary. That is something I have to tackle on. Good thing is everything I have writing is of the same importance and equally scary – Note to self.
Good, I’ve got a bunch of shit done today, still have a lingering feeling like I could have done more, and in reality there was some time wasted, but I also have to go easy on myself. Printed two more photos, did all the laundry which I have been meaning to do for a couple of days (a week?) so at least I got that over with.
On the other side I still feel like I am wasting too much time, TV watching and such plus a lot of missed opportunities where I find myself hesitating mainly on the streets. I have to get that thing over with and just do whatever comes to mind. Fuck people and what they think or do. I know I can be a little extreme sometimes but if I never follow the crazy ideas or if I hesitate I will never find out what could happen, so I have to get it over with, besides that’s part of the charm, the excitement.
Well, today’s entry is small, it is late and I am tired. Maybe tomorrow I take notes during the day, it is more fun tat way, besides I get to pay more attention to the world around me. Ohhhh one got thing: I finally organized the stuff I have written, 208 poems and short stories, that was a lot of work but I can finally put them down on a book. Now that I think about it is it going to be two book, Spanish and English.. or who knows, maybe just one.. haven’t thought about. Let’s see how it goes, but at least all content is finally there. Good.!
I have to write this diary early during the day. At this time I feel to tired as to really go and write a long entry. Or maybe is it self sabotage. We’ll see tomorrow.
PD: Yeah, it is self-sabotage. I feel like writing more, ranting about how unfulfilled my love life is, or how bitchy some chicks are. Still, I don’t think is fair to blame the bitches, I rather take the responsibility myself, the decisions are mine after all, so yeah the current situation is mine… Anyways I am done for today.. thanks for reading.
Ohh shit, having to organize all those writing of so many years ago is a bitch. I really don’t feel like it, mostly because they are scattered all over different places, at least I am doing four or five a day. Still, I have to find a way to make it easy without going so much in circles. That way I could at least advance quicker.
Well, at least I’ve got a lot of pictures done and printed yesterday, that was good. And plan to do a whole lot more today. I feel a little bit tired, printing takes a lot of time, is like an endless job. The good thing it is rewarding the experimenting with different setting and results. It is not as spontaneous as with photoshop for example, but that makes me focus more and pay a lot more attention to the process. Besides, I am noticing getting better at judging by eye exposure and contrast settings on the enlarger, that is good.
One thing I have to work on is street shooting. I got really good at it in Chicago, but since I haven’t been pushing boundaries on the streets, I feel I am a little out of practice. Loosing amazing moments frustrates me – “Focus..Focus”. Miami is a different city, a lot less population density than others, so the good moments are more scarce. There is no time for idle walking or warm up, a lost moment could mean the only good shot of the day, where other places are just an endless stream of good oportunities.
Anyways, the result is the same, I have to focus more and just go and shoot it instead of hesitating since each moment have a lot more value. Also so many dressed down chicks here is a distraction. Somedays I am really on the zone, and can jump from flirting to shooting, back and forth effortless, but I haven’t found a formula yet. It just happens. Sometimes music helps. Like when listening to a good tune and the world just turn itself into a flow of imagery, no sounds, no smell, not nothing; just crazy people doing crazy gestures as if it were a silent movie, while accidentally hitting and missing shades. But as I said, doesn’t happens too often. I am loosing concentration very ease.
Well, at least I am writing, printing, organizing a book and shooting “Uncensored”. That is something. Don’t know what is going to come out of it, but it is doing the work. Not only that, but this diary is starting to give me interesting perspectives. Rambling in an stream-of-consciousness style, helps in bringing out stuff, and at the same time make it public helps in accepting the situation, whatever that is. It is an interesting project.
The other thing I have to get better at are women. I find myself saying no to situations, where a yes would have been more interesting, and regretting it latter. I’d like to think that I have been lucky regarding the quality and the extreme of the relationships I have lived, but all in all it is bullshit, it is just an smoke screen to make me feel better regarding a deeper truth, that I feel alone.
It is like my mind is coming up with excuses to make the situation acceptable and smooth out the feeling of loneliness. The reality is I don’t like the feeling, and excuses are just excuses. Anyways, right now I don’t feel like digging deeper and publishing this stuff. For now let just say I am alone, feeling lonely and want to get over it, the solution is being a lot more accepting and aggressive.
The relationship part is something I definitely want to get back to it. It is one of those truths I have to dig and put out, It just happens to be one more of those battles between ego and “Diary” LOL 🙂
PD: Thanks a lot for the support you guys have given me, and the comments on this projects. Really, thank you.
The problem is not just time. I do have time. The energy spent on a job is a problem. The time wasted is a even bigger problem. The wasted time when I get home after working, when instead of doing the work, I just watch anime series, smoke, play with gadgets, fantasize and jerk-off. That is pretty much the bigger problem, the forms of sabotage I choose to avoid doing the work.
The reasons behind it, I have no idea. I suspect it is fear of suffering yet another failure and falling thru the same steps I already walked. Maybe it is fear of changes. Somehow it also feels like I am standing alone in a sea of crap, where the islands are so far between each other that it makes me feel discouraged the lack of support and outlets.
The enjoyment. I have 12 undeveloped film rolls and 5 sheets to print, have had them for 2 weeks now, and they are still there. It is making me question to what point I truly enjoy photography. Taking photos yes, I do enjoy taking photos; post editing, not so much, and that adds to the whole problem. So it is a situation with many factors, where it is dishonest to blame it on the lack of time.
Truth is: I do have time. The only difference between doing something and not doing it: is doing it – plain simple. Still, I don’t seem able to bring myself to do it, it feels like shit waking every morning with the same things to do as the day day before, and going back to bed with the very same things still undone. I can’t truly handle it anymore, and when I get to that point I just do it, but just do enough as to shake the bad feeling. After, everything starts, once again, getting postponed.
So, what is really the way out? The cause of all this turmoil? I think it is fear even if I can’t really pinpoint it, and the solution is just to force myself to do the work, but at the same time all of it feels very confusing. Like I shouldn’t be having to be fighting constantly with myself, it just doesn’t feel right.
I think it is lack of enjoyment. I have to expand myself and find something new to take on, something that really absorbs me. And now that I am talking about fears; doubts, resistance to expansion and excitement are beginning to resurface. I can feel them more clearly. I think it is a sign of what I need, but it is just another fight at the same time.
I truly don’t like it, having to fight all the time. Indeed, I have done a whole lot, but at the same time I don’t feel I have done everything I could. I guess what really tires me is the constant fighting that regardless of accomplishments, they leave me a lingering feeling of
dissatisfaction, like saying I still could have done a lot more, could have had a deeper experience and quit just one step too soon.
PD: It is interesting the focus on the negative this day have had on the diary. Changing topics, I have been writing pieces at different times; instead, I’ll be trying to write it all at the end of the day.
Starting a new project is always difficult. This time is all about writing a public diary, an idea I have had flying around for a while. I have found the biggest challenge to be growing a set of balls to put the truth out there without adornment, without fancy words or softening the language to make me feel better.
I expect this diary to have both, periods of excitement and periods of boredom; to be scary, most of the time repetitive, as when ideas get stuck on inaction. I am also hoping for it to help me grow.
Taking into account three other projects I am running simultaneously, finding the time to explore, expand, and pause to sit down and write, it is going to be a challenge. It doesn’t help to have a day job, which brings me to one of the biggest blocks in my life right now: the amount of time and energy lost.
Time being not really the biggest problem, the biggest problem is the amount of energy that consumes being in a place I don’t want, doing something I don’t like, it is soul draining. It is consuming being stuck between making the jump to full time artist and the security of a paycheck, it takes balls, even more so when art’s income is 0. Yeah definitely something to work on, just that I haven’t found the solution yet and is getting really frustrating.
Not only “jobs” do that, but they also create many fallacies. Weekends are a lot more productive for me as an street photographer than any other day. Not just because time, but mainly because there is a change on the “air”. People behave in a more open manner, instead of looking at their cell phones and walk down the street with a whole lot of strees, they are in a “let’s have fun” mood than during weekdays.
At the end, everyday is the same! The sun rises and sets the same. Nevertheless is also affects me. Taking breaks now and there to do my art while having the second thought that I have to be back soon to “prison” becomes a negative experience.
It is as if all were part of a obsession with rules and rigid timelines, as if we had to have everything under control. News: There is nothing under control. So why not society as a whole loosens a little bit? No idea.
Still, it is affecting me anyways…. That have been the beef of my day for the most part. The whole frustration with 9 to 5 + trying to make art on the illusionary impossible hours, such a persistent illusion that it gets to feel real.
PD: I have noticed I haven’t been writing to fullest, to the deepest I could. It is indeed hard to open up truthfully to the world. I guess it is something I have to start gradually getting better at during this diary.
Thanks for reading, let’s see how it goes tomorrow.