Chapter Before Chapters
There he was, listening to Pink Floyd in the dim light of a coffee place. Now he understood why hot drinks have become so popular these days. It was like the dime light in a dark room on those cold days, it was like hope, like life itself running thru the body on those freezing winter nights. The aroma running thru the room, impregnating the clothes, the paper in the trash
There was a time when he couldn’t know what exactly changed his mood, where the almost imperceptible went flying by. Those days before so many mushroom trips. The whole prohibition of substances that employed carefully had so much to offer, they opened a whole new world for him, a world of perceptions and reactions, a world of internal wisdom and knowledge of himself.
But there was John still writing a little hungry, a little tired of an unproductive day, a day like many other he had experience in his life before, before he throw everything away and started living under a dream. His life had changed so much. Some times it self like it had changed for good, sometimes he felt some regrets of leaving so much behind. Like any departure it hurts, it hurt being alone, being in a strange place, far away from friend, most of all, it hurt being alone.
Yet, by spurts, he managed to meet people between now and then, not at the pace he wished, but he managed to establish conversations with some strangers, interchange phones, talk to new people, but he found most of his new relationship to be flukes, to be just the instant of the moment. He wished many time to be more courageous, to be brave enough to act on those moments of spontaneity. He wish above anything else to meet his another half, something he have been looking for so long, but still there he was, alone like many other nights.
The thought of bravery crossed his mind, he have been thru many adventures, sky diving, jet skiing, hang gliding, crossed the country driving, left everything behind not only once, but twice. He couldn’t help it to feel good about himself, but still there was something missing, he was missing love. He was missing the adventure of trusting, the thrill of letting himself vulnerable, the nervousness of loving. But how could he open himself again?
After so many yeas of unhealthy relationships and betrayals, it was hard, very hard to trust again, it was painful just the thought of getting hurt again. Yes, all of it were his own choices, maybe wrong ones, but learning experiences nevertheless, even thou they left him with a bitter flavor in his tongue.
Now it was really hard to trust again, that was the main reason why most of the new persons he met were fluke, it was not them, it was himself the one shutting off the door to hide the fear of pain, the fear of letting others get the best of him. It was difficult, a very difficult time.
Interesting enough, he remember the big love of his life, he remembered the love of many years ago. The love he left behind to pursue his dreams, the love he wanted for himself. That lovely girl on that gray afternoon, a great person and an amazing woman at the same time, she was all of his love, but at the same time someone he secretly admire, she was full of values, full of life, smart and gorgeous at the same time.
He had tried to replicate the same formula many times to no success, and no wonder it didn’t work. How could? He had grown not old, but different, his life have been changing day by day without even realizing it.
“Life is an ever-changing streams of moments that come and go” – he though
And his life one of those moments, it was all changing again, changing shape into something he couldn’t figure out. It was scary, not knowing where all was going. At times so scary, like driving a fast car at 200 miles per hour, that was sometimes the pace of change, and behind every turn the unknown, yes indeed, it was frightening.
Many days he would brake with regrets of stopping time, he would just drift away in the comfort of the awful feeling of standing in the middle of nowhere. At least on those times he knew where he was, what surround him, emptiness, nothing scary, nothing to fear, just the comfort of the uncomfortable. All peaceful and meaningless. It was his dilemma.