Diary – Day 2
The problem is not just time. I do have time. The energy spent on a job is a problem. The time wasted is a even bigger problem. The wasted time when I get home after working, when instead of doing the work, I just watch anime series, smoke, play with gadgets, fantasize and jerk-off. That is pretty much the bigger problem, the forms of sabotage I choose to avoid doing the work.
The reasons behind it, I have no idea. I suspect it is fear of suffering yet another failure and falling thru the same steps I already walked. Maybe it is fear of changes. Somehow it also feels like I am standing alone in a sea of crap, where the islands are so far between each other that it makes me feel discouraged the lack of support and outlets.
The enjoyment. I have 12 undeveloped film rolls and 5 sheets to print, have had them for 2 weeks now, and they are still there. It is making me question to what point I truly enjoy photography. Taking photos yes, I do enjoy taking photos; post editing, not so much, and that adds to the whole problem. So it is a situation with many factors, where it is dishonest to blame it on the lack of time.
Truth is: I do have time. The only difference between doing something and not doing it: is doing it – plain simple. Still, I don’t seem able to bring myself to do it, it feels like shit waking every morning with the same things to do as the day day before, and going back to bed with the very same things still undone. I can’t truly handle it anymore, and when I get to that point I just do it, but just do enough as to shake the bad feeling. After, everything starts, once again, getting postponed.
So, what is really the way out? The cause of all this turmoil? I think it is fear even if I can’t really pinpoint it, and the solution is just to force myself to do the work, but at the same time all of it feels very confusing. Like I shouldn’t be having to be fighting constantly with myself, it just doesn’t feel right.
I think it is lack of enjoyment. I have to expand myself and find something new to take on, something that really absorbs me. And now that I am talking about fears; doubts, resistance to expansion and excitement are beginning to resurface. I can feel them more clearly. I think it is a sign of what I need, but it is just another fight at the same time.
I truly don’t like it, having to fight all the time. Indeed, I have done a whole lot, but at the same time I don’t feel I have done everything I could. I guess what really tires me is the constant fighting that regardless of accomplishments, they leave me a lingering feeling of
dissatisfaction, like saying I still could have done a lot more, could have had a deeper experience and quit just one step too soon.
PD: It is interesting the focus on the negative this day have had on the diary. Changing topics, I have been writing pieces at different times; instead, I’ll be trying to write it all at the end of the day.