Diary – Day 3
Ohh shit, having to organize all those writing of so many years ago is a bitch. I really don’t feel like it, mostly because they are scattered all over different places, at least I am doing four or five a day. Still, I have to find a way to make it easy without going so much in circles. That way I could at least advance quicker.
Well, at least I’ve got a lot of pictures done and printed yesterday, that was good. And plan to do a whole lot more today. I feel a little bit tired, printing takes a lot of time, is like an endless job. The good thing it is rewarding the experimenting with different setting and results. It is not as spontaneous as with photoshop for example, but that makes me focus more and pay a lot more attention to the process. Besides, I am noticing getting better at judging by eye exposure and contrast settings on the enlarger, that is good.
One thing I have to work on is street shooting. I got really good at it in Chicago, but since I haven’t been pushing boundaries on the streets, I feel I am a little out of practice. Loosing amazing moments frustrates me – “Focus..Focus”. Miami is a different city, a lot less population density than others, so the good moments are more scarce. There is no time for idle walking or warm up, a lost moment could mean the only good shot of the day, where other places are just an endless stream of good oportunities.
Anyways, the result is the same, I have to focus more and just go and shoot it instead of hesitating since each moment have a lot more value. Also so many dressed down chicks here is a distraction. Somedays I am really on the zone, and can jump from flirting to shooting, back and forth effortless, but I haven’t found a formula yet. It just happens. Sometimes music helps. Like when listening to a good tune and the world just turn itself into a flow of imagery, no sounds, no smell, not nothing; just crazy people doing crazy gestures as if it were a silent movie, while accidentally hitting and missing shades. But as I said, doesn’t happens too often. I am loosing concentration very ease.
Well, at least I am writing, printing, organizing a book and shooting “Uncensored”. That is something. Don’t know what is going to come out of it, but it is doing the work. Not only that, but this diary is starting to give me interesting perspectives. Rambling in an stream-of-consciousness style, helps in bringing out stuff, and at the same time make it public helps in accepting the situation, whatever that is. It is an interesting project.
The other thing I have to get better at are women. I find myself saying no to situations, where a yes would have been more interesting, and regretting it latter. I’d like to think that I have been lucky regarding the quality and the extreme of the relationships I have lived, but all in all it is bullshit, it is just an smoke screen to make me feel better regarding a deeper truth, that I feel alone.
It is like my mind is coming up with excuses to make the situation acceptable and smooth out the feeling of loneliness. The reality is I don’t like the feeling, and excuses are just excuses. Anyways, right now I don’t feel like digging deeper and publishing this stuff. For now let just say I am alone, feeling lonely and want to get over it, the solution is being a lot more accepting and aggressive.
The relationship part is something I definitely want to get back to it. It is one of those truths I have to dig and put out, It just happens to be one more of those battles between ego and “Diary” LOL 🙂
PD: Thanks a lot for the support you guys have given me, and the comments on this projects. Really, thank you.