Diary – Day 5

Rants about I don’t know what, but at least I am writing. Having lunch is a waste of time, like burning thru life fast. Sometimes I feel like time is running out, it is a weird feeling.

Sometimes I also feel that something important is about to happen but it hasn’t happened yet, like there is something awaiting to be found, to be discovered. It is half good, half bad. An overwhelming feeling of disatisfaction mixed with urges to explore, a thirst. That is the good part, the irresistible urge find whatever it is that is awaiting to be found.

On those days I find myself looking for that something everywhere, with everybody. Talking to homeless, strangers, walking back alleys, spontaneously running, doing whatever comes to mind, following any impulse. It is the only way to relief the sensation that something hasn’t happened yet. Interestingly enough, a life changing experience originated on one of those days, only the feeling didn’t go away. At the end I have come to like it regardless of the outcome, it seems to set my day in really interesting fashion.

Some other days it happens less pronounced, and to a certain extend differently. I feel loss, I see the stuff happening every second but they scape my grasp. Like life is supposed to be lived a lot more intense than what I am living.

I think those are the moments I am missing, going to the very limit, the intensity of new grounds. Even if I have a lot of stuff on my plate, it feels like known territory. Maybe what I truly want is exploration, risk, adventure.

It is weird. I remember the times when I didn’t do much. On those days nothing like this would cross my mind. Then suddenly decided to be serious about art, from there one thing lead to another and turned out into a giant roller-coaster, so much that three years have felt as if they were ten. Now I am on the ground and can’t stand it, want to be up on the air again.

I don’t know, but “normal” life is not for me. Life is found on the extremes, the middle ground is just dull. It pains me too, because the extremes are full of solitude. It is hard to find people sharing the same hunger and willing to follow it, or maybe I’ll find them once I am on the way; or maybe both. But I think the closest I am to my true self, the less things I have in common with people, the less friends I have, and of course the more valuable they become. They are true companions.


PD: I am finding myself avoiding some topics just because this is a “public” diary. That is something I have to tackle on. Good thing is everything I have writing is of the same importance and equally scary – Note to self.

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