Diary – Day 6


Chicks are killing me, or better said the lack of them. One way or another I want companionship in my life. Enough of being lonely, I need to go out more and mess around a lot more, to somehow break out of the current state of inaction and missed chances.

I would love to blame them of them and society. While there is such a thing called preferences and tastes, there is also something called the beauty is on the eyes of the beholder, and many times I run too quick to judge a book by it’s cover, or run too quick, period. Then the ones than come and go are the crazy ones, so it never works out at the end. Where does the balance lay?

Anyways, it comes down to the very same thing, and I see it as a recurring theme in most of the writings: the need to expand. It comes to mind regarding photos, paintings, writings, and also regarding to my personal life, both friends and lovers. In general it is an attitude of adventure, exploration what I truly need.

I am at a point where I either grow or shrink, there is no such thing as laying inert drifting from day to day. The lack of expansion is what I am missing. It is pretty much the underlaying cause affecting my life.

One good thing is writing this diary. It feels scary putting a lot of truth out there, speaking sometimes secrets. Tha is good, that it feels a little scary, that is the way life should feel, it means I am exploring something new. But regardless, for love in general, for what I am doing, for people I meet, it has to feel the same way, the sensacion of unexplored territory.

I predicted at the beginning this could turnout a little repetitive. Some times growing balls take a minute, sometimes I have to incubate them. Some fears are really small, some other are huge. Society is toxic in many ways, at least the environment where I was during much of my early life was. I found that in dealing with much of my own barriers, I am dealing with early social conditioning and wonder why is it that we seem unable to really give freedom and acceptence.

Anyways, I am done for today. Got a kallitype printing kit and photo emulsion gel I want to play with.

Thanks for tolerating the awful grammar – it’s supposed to be unedited anyways – 😛


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