Ohh shit, having to organize all those writing of so many years ago is a bitch. I really don’t feel like it, mostly because they are scattered all over different places, at least I am doing four or five a day. Still, I have to find a way to make it easy without going so much in circles. That way I could at least advance quicker.
Well, at least I’ve got a lot of pictures done and printed yesterday, that was good. And plan to do a whole lot more today. I feel a little bit tired, printing takes a lot of time, is like an endless job. The good thing it is rewarding the experimenting with different setting and results. It is not as spontaneous as with photoshop for example, but that makes me focus more and pay a lot more attention to the process. Besides, I am noticing getting better at judging by eye exposure and contrast settings on the enlarger, that is good.
One thing I have to work on is street shooting. I got really good at it in Chicago, but since I haven’t been pushing boundaries on the streets, I feel I am a little out of practice. Loosing amazing moments frustrates me – “Focus..Focus”. Miami is a different city, a lot less population density than others, so the good moments are more scarce. There is no time for idle walking or warm up, a lost moment could mean the only good shot of the day, where other places are just an endless stream of good oportunities.
Anyways, the result is the same, I have to focus more and just go and shoot it instead of hesitating since each moment have a lot more value. Also so many dressed down chicks here is a distraction. Somedays I am really on the zone, and can jump from flirting to shooting, back and forth effortless, but I haven’t found a formula yet. It just happens. Sometimes music helps. Like when listening to a good tune and the world just turn itself into a flow of imagery, no sounds, no smell, not nothing; just crazy people doing crazy gestures as if it were a silent movie, while accidentally hitting and missing shades. But as I said, doesn’t happens too often. I am loosing concentration very ease.
Well, at least I am writing, printing, organizing a book and shooting “Uncensored”. That is something. Don’t know what is going to come out of it, but it is doing the work. Not only that, but this diary is starting to give me interesting perspectives. Rambling in an stream-of-consciousness style, helps in bringing out stuff, and at the same time make it public helps in accepting the situation, whatever that is. It is an interesting project.
The other thing I have to get better at are women. I find myself saying no to situations, where a yes would have been more interesting, and regretting it latter. I’d like to think that I have been lucky regarding the quality and the extreme of the relationships I have lived, but all in all it is bullshit, it is just an smoke screen to make me feel better regarding a deeper truth, that I feel alone.
It is like my mind is coming up with excuses to make the situation acceptable and smooth out the feeling of loneliness. The reality is I don’t like the feeling, and excuses are just excuses. Anyways, right now I don’t feel like digging deeper and publishing this stuff. For now let just say I am alone, feeling lonely and want to get over it, the solution is being a lot more accepting and aggressive.
The relationship part is something I definitely want to get back to it. It is one of those truths I have to dig and put out, It just happens to be one more of those battles between ego and “Diary” LOL 🙂
PD: Thanks a lot for the support you guys have given me, and the comments on this projects. Really, thank you.
The problem is not just time. I do have time. The energy spent on a job is a problem. The time wasted is a even bigger problem. The wasted time when I get home after working, when instead of doing the work, I just watch anime series, smoke, play with gadgets, fantasize and jerk-off. That is pretty much the bigger problem, the forms of sabotage I choose to avoid doing the work.
The reasons behind it, I have no idea. I suspect it is fear of suffering yet another failure and falling thru the same steps I already walked. Maybe it is fear of changes. Somehow it also feels like I am standing alone in a sea of crap, where the islands are so far between each other that it makes me feel discouraged the lack of support and outlets.
The enjoyment. I have 12 undeveloped film rolls and 5 sheets to print, have had them for 2 weeks now, and they are still there. It is making me question to what point I truly enjoy photography. Taking photos yes, I do enjoy taking photos; post editing, not so much, and that adds to the whole problem. So it is a situation with many factors, where it is dishonest to blame it on the lack of time.
Truth is: I do have time. The only difference between doing something and not doing it: is doing it – plain simple. Still, I don’t seem able to bring myself to do it, it feels like shit waking every morning with the same things to do as the day day before, and going back to bed with the very same things still undone. I can’t truly handle it anymore, and when I get to that point I just do it, but just do enough as to shake the bad feeling. After, everything starts, once again, getting postponed.
So, what is really the way out? The cause of all this turmoil? I think it is fear even if I can’t really pinpoint it, and the solution is just to force myself to do the work, but at the same time all of it feels very confusing. Like I shouldn’t be having to be fighting constantly with myself, it just doesn’t feel right.
I think it is lack of enjoyment. I have to expand myself and find something new to take on, something that really absorbs me. And now that I am talking about fears; doubts, resistance to expansion and excitement are beginning to resurface. I can feel them more clearly. I think it is a sign of what I need, but it is just another fight at the same time.
I truly don’t like it, having to fight all the time. Indeed, I have done a whole lot, but at the same time I don’t feel I have done everything I could. I guess what really tires me is the constant fighting that regardless of accomplishments, they leave me a lingering feeling of
dissatisfaction, like saying I still could have done a lot more, could have had a deeper experience and quit just one step too soon.
PD: It is interesting the focus on the negative this day have had on the diary. Changing topics, I have been writing pieces at different times; instead, I’ll be trying to write it all at the end of the day.
Starting a new project is always difficult. This time is all about writing a public diary, an idea I have had flying around for a while. I have found the biggest challenge to be growing a set of balls to put the truth out there without adornment, without fancy words or softening the language to make me feel better.
I expect this diary to have both, periods of excitement and periods of boredom; to be scary, most of the time repetitive, as when ideas get stuck on inaction. I am also hoping for it to help me grow.
Taking into account three other projects I am running simultaneously, finding the time to explore, expand, and pause to sit down and write, it is going to be a challenge. It doesn’t help to have a day job, which brings me to one of the biggest blocks in my life right now: the amount of time and energy lost.
Time being not really the biggest problem, the biggest problem is the amount of energy that consumes being in a place I don’t want, doing something I don’t like, it is soul draining. It is consuming being stuck between making the jump to full time artist and the security of a paycheck, it takes balls, even more so when art’s income is 0. Yeah definitely something to work on, just that I haven’t found the solution yet and is getting really frustrating.
Not only “jobs” do that, but they also create many fallacies. Weekends are a lot more productive for me as an street photographer than any other day. Not just because time, but mainly because there is a change on the “air”. People behave in a more open manner, instead of looking at their cell phones and walk down the street with a whole lot of strees, they are in a “let’s have fun” mood than during weekdays.
At the end, everyday is the same! The sun rises and sets the same. Nevertheless is also affects me. Taking breaks now and there to do my art while having the second thought that I have to be back soon to “prison” becomes a negative experience.
It is as if all were part of a obsession with rules and rigid timelines, as if we had to have everything under control. News: There is nothing under control. So why not society as a whole loosens a little bit? No idea.
Still, it is affecting me anyways…. That have been the beef of my day for the most part. The whole frustration with 9 to 5 + trying to make art on the illusionary impossible hours, such a persistent illusion that it gets to feel real.
PD: I have noticed I haven’t been writing to fullest, to the deepest I could. It is indeed hard to open up truthfully to the world. I guess it is something I have to start gradually getting better at during this diary.
Thanks for reading, let’s see how it goes tomorrow.